A casual glance at the Galaxy roster reveals that Gullit has a near-total lack of players able to actually play in a way someone would want to make love to. If we define “sexy” as “attacking,” the Galaxy will run into the same problem Kansas City did – disciplined defense patient enough to wait for mistakes, skilled enough to force mistakes and talented enough to exploit them. 1-0 against; repeat. Cover Beckham and Donovan, and the rest of the team will make the bad pass or botch the good one. Our old friend entropy makes it easier to destroy than create, so an attacking team can’t attack as well as the other team defends, it must attack measurably better. The laws of physics are against attacking soccer.

If we define “sexy” as “total football” in the Dutch style, the Galaxy might conceivably have a bigger problem. The number of American players who are acceptable in enough different facets of the game as to qualify as a total footballer can be counted on the fingers of a Weeble. Coaches, by and large, simply don’t teach that style of play. It’s easier to teach a player to do one thing good, and it’s easier to draw up strategy based on players knowing their one role.

So the Galaxy have announced their intention to find the most talented and rarest of players. It’s very easy to picture a conversation along these lines:

Ruud: Here are my tactics; they are a masterpiece of elegance.
Cobi: Here are our players; give them a five minute head start and they can tie their own shoes.
Bravo: Here is our budget; under the salary cap we can buy a set of orange cones.
Ruud: Orange! How thoughtful of you.

Fine, so the salary cap is as mythical as the untapped market of millions of Americans waiting for Premiership level of play from MLS. If DC United can bring in Luciano Emilio and Christian Gomez, and Guillermo Barros Schelotto can be brought in by Columbus, without flexing a DP spot, then better uses of time and resources can be used on the Carlos Pavon spot. (And the Abel Xavier spot, although he still lives on in the Galaxy website’s title bar, so he might not be gone yet.) But even assuming you get outfield spots 1-10 ready, the first substitution or injury puts you back into subtotal football. This might be a longer and more painful process than the Galaxy seem to realize. But Holland wasn’t built in a day.

Oh…and forget about bringing in Dutch players. The one thing a Dutch superstar hates more than anything is a coach, and the one thing a Dutch superstar hates even more than a coach is another Dutch superstar. There’s a reason Holland exports so many wonderful coaches who thrive in foreign clubs and national teams – because they don’t have to deal with other Dutchmen.

EDIT to correct an inelegance – sexy blogging is my goal

*This is a “Greatest Hits” joke from 2002 or so, to replace the “American Pie” joke that WAS here, and which is still my joke so don’t try to steal it, okay?!

Did want to put this to rest, though – I choose to believe that this paragraph was included, if not in direct response to my query, then to speculation that has run rampant about Alexi and Frank’s relationship. From the press release:

Paul Bravo, currently serving as the Galaxy’s Director of Soccer, will continue in this role overseeing all issues related to the Galaxy’s roster including scouting and evaluating players (collegiate and professional), overseeing the club’s development system and including prospective new signings and other team administrative functions.

“Continue” and “all” are the words that jump out.

Bravo took the position in August or something. God, do I really have to go all the way to Google and check? Jeez. Blogging is SO HARD.

Bravo took the position in August, so this doesn’t answer questions about who was in charge of personnel before then. And it doesn’t contradict Landon Donovan saying that Yallop wasn’t allowed to do what he wanted. The Galaxy’s big and small personnel moves were all made before Bravo was promoted. So the interpretation that “Ha, Alexi screwed up and he’s being relieved of his functions one by one” is as valid as “Ha, Frank tried to blame Alexi and Alexi said no no no”.

I lean towards the second, because (1) I’m a kneejerk biased Galaxy honk, and Yallop is now coaching a different team, (2) Lalas is still a pretty public figure in the Galaxy organization for a guy who’s being disgraced little by little, and (3) if Lalas was costing AEG as much money and goodwill in three different franchises coast to coast as is generally assumed, then you’d THINK Uncle Phil would have noticed by now, no?

Making the dangerous assumption that Bravo’s duties were all from Yallop’s bailiwick and none from Lalas, and making an equally dangerous assumption that there isn’t someone equivalent to Bravo handling the Galaxy’s various off-field marketing and publicity exercises…*pause for breath*…then it’s seriously time to entertain the possibility that Lalas is doing his job, and doing it well. Maybe anyone could have sold out the HDC with David Beckham, but if there weren’t more to selling soccer than just waving a famous brand name around, Shawn Hunter would still be in Denver.

The prologue is past. The other thing the Bravo paragraph raises is what happens when Ruud Gullit says “I want such and such player” or “I want so and so run out of town.” In theory, the areas of expertise are perfectly delineated. Gullit draws up the strategy, Bravo gets the personnel, Jones whips the players into shape. But then again, in theory, because silver bells are made of silver, foghorns should be made of fog.*

*Old Lonnie Donegan joke

By the way, the Enforcement Division of DLSIA International has pre-emptively banned the following headlines:

Galaxy Goes Dutch
Galaxy Experience Ruud Awakening
Galaxy In For Dutch Treat
Galaxy Will Dread Nought
Galaxy Choice a “Lock”

The Enforcement Division will be extremely vigilant on dreadlock refences, especially if Cobi is hired as assistant coach (the other HOT RUMOR! circulating right now)

So long, Carlos Pavon. Vaya con inhaler. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

I didn’t preview last night’s game, not because I didn’t care, but because I honestly couldn’t think of anything interesting to say about it. I simply took it completely for granted that the Galaxy would win. The only thing I was worried about was Juan Pablo Angel getting two goals, winning the MLS scoring title, and having to deal with a manufactured MVP controversy. I might not deserve an MLS awards vote, but still less do people trying to make the case that post-clinch, pre-playoff Ides of October games should sway votes. (This is the MLS equivalent of the Hall of Fame voting. Yeah, I’m not the most qualified guy in the country, but at least I knew enough to vote for Joy Fawcett, so what’s everyone else’s excuse?)

One good thing about last night’s game is that it puts to rest the MLS Fix theory. Yes, the Galaxy could still backflip into the playoffs, but think of how much easier it would have been to fix two Galaxy games than it will be to fix a Rocky Mountain Cup, an FC-KC game, AND the game on Sunday that you now have to fix into a win rather than a draw. Unless the conspiracy is to make people think it’s not a conspiracy. Having said all this, I wasn’t the only guy stunned that New York finished the game with eleven players and zero penalty kicks against.

Quick take on the Red Bulls: they will go as far as Altidore, Angel, and Dane Richards will take them. In the West, that would be MLS Cup. New York is not in the West, though, and neither is the Giants Stadium turf. Let Arena clear out some of the old deadwood (he brought in most of the deadwood this year, but let’s skip merrily past that), and check back with me when they move into the Red Bullpen.

So, Cobi Freaking Jones. I waffle back on forth on whether he should actually retire. He would be an excellent, and I mean excellent, second-half substitute. He started out fiery hot against New York, and then he aged before our eyes. New York defenders, barring a couple of nice moves, were able to keep up with him fairly easily last night, and it isn’t like anyone’s scouting the Red Bulls D for any FIFA All-Time Best XI teams. It was silly of me to think he would be subbed on Cobi Jones Night, but he can’t go ninety anymore, and he would have gotten a nice loud-ass standing ovation. (Okay, he got those before the game, but still.) Plus, does he have anything left in the tank for Sunday? Or the playoffs, which start mere days later?

I also can’t blame him for reconsidering, any more than I can Chris Armas. (Eddie Pope seems set in his decision.) Anyone who has seen these guys for more than, like, fifteen minutes knows how competitive they are. And, Alexi Lalas and Hristo Stoitchkov notwithstanding, it’s pretty tough to unretire. I’d not surprised they want to call takebacks on it. It would be funny, though, if other MLS teams next year held “Can’t You Take a Hint? Night” across the league.

Until they do, we can enjoy Kevin Payne patiently explaining to them why Cobi Jones was being honored. Both sides were right, of course, but I think the SE’s are slightly more right. And knowing Cobi, I think full-voiced hatred from the supporters section is the biggest tribute DC United could have given him.

The big distraction for this game is the same one that has been following the Galaxy all year. Will Cobi Jones see any action? If so, will he start? Or will he be a sub? The last thing the Galaxy needs is for Cobi to try to rush back, and then suffer another setback. Cobi Jones is too important for the team, and too important for the league, to risk bringing him back too soon. I know fans will be disappointed that they didn’t get to see him, but they can always cheer for Landon Donovan.

Prediction: This week’s “Galaxy fans disappointed to miss Beckham” picture will be of the Barra Brava holding up a picture of Donovan and Beckham photoshopped in some hideously unbroadcastable act of biological intimacy and/or impossibility, with the Washington Monument in the background and every fan wearing a T-shirt reading “We are DC United fans, not Galaxy fans, and we would appreciate it greatly if you understood and acknowledged the distinction” in both English and Spanish. Alternatively, DC United fans cheering wildly for a goal, with the caption “Galaxy fans welcome Beckham to MLS.” Also, DC 2, LA 0.

What really stung was that I forgot to pull Altidore off the www.mfls.com lineup, since between game one and game two it became obvious that Jozy would, in fact, miss another week.

I think I’m getting stupider and stupider, to be honest. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe I’m living out a slow-motion version of “Flowers for Algernon,” and by year’s end I’ll be all “AMADO GUEVARA has a ZERO TRANSFER FEE? HELLA WICKED RAD!”

Still, you don’t need me to tell you to load up on Dynamo players this week. The only team that plays twice, they’ve won seven out of eight in a year where I really didn’t think anyone was going to win more than three consecutive, and while the road trip to Bridgeview against the new Fire coach might be a little iffy, they have Toronto at home on Sunday. The Football Club isn’t nearly as good on the road as they are in that big crowded box of Canadians. Besides, Dwayne De Rosario says he’s happy now.

Now, they’re not actually playing twice, but three times, since they’re up against Charleston tonight in the Open Cup. I’m banking that exhausted Houston is still enough to beat rested Chicago and Toronto.

West Bromwich Babylon: Hartman; W. Barrett, Gbandi, Harrington; Fred, Victorine, Ballouchy, Grabavoy; Emilio, Cristman, Galindo.

Chivas of Nazareth: Onstad (c); Parkhurst, W. Barrett, Gbandi, Harrington; Toja, Dorman, Kljestan, Mulrooney; Emilio, Galindo.

When I’m this majestically biased, I occasionally think of that CONCACAF Player of the Year list I’ve been keeping, and ask whether I’m really the best man for that job. The answer is yes, because at least I feel bad whenever I completely hometown an award meant for an entire year across an entire continent. Besides, it’s probably going to a Pachuca player this year, unless Juan Pablo Angel breaks Lassiter’s record and gets New York an MLS Cup or something.

But I was sure proven wrong last night. I was at the opening of the new CATZ (Competitive Athletes Training Zone) facility in Pasadena, run by Jim Liston, the former LA Galaxy trainer. And they had a little exhibition game between Cobi Jones, Robin Fraser, Dan Calichman, and another player whose name I didn’t get on one team, and about eight or nine members of a twelve-year-old girls team on the other. Well, the girls took a 2-0 lead. But sure enough, it was the most dangerous lead in soccer, and amazingly enough, the men came back to win 3-2. It was a stirring comeback, seeing the experience of a combined total of thousands of hours of professional soccer scattered across four or five continents eke out the victory.

I kid because I was safely on the sidelines. Those girls were stone killers out there.

Anyway, I can’t think of any other examples of a 2-0 lead being in jeopardy, but I’m sure there are some.

The Miami Fusion scored a hat trick more recently than DC United. That can’t be right. DC beat the Mutiny by nearly two months, though – if you count the Open Cup. DC’s last hat trick came on the same day as Tampa Bay’s hat trick – May 9, 2001. That’s just implausible.

That was the last time so far that hat tricks were recorded on the same day. It happened twice previously – on September 9, 2000, and in two Open Cup games on June 14, 2000.

Roy Lassiter, Edson Buddle, Dante Washington, and Mamadou Diallo are the only players to record hat tricks for different teams. Diallo scored a hat trick against Los Angeles for the Mutiny and the Metrostars. Cobi Jones scored two hat tricks against Colorado, and Stern John scored two against Miami.

There have only been two playoff hat tricks – one by Raul Diaz Arce in 1996, and the other by Stern John in 1999. So it’s been a while.

Amado Guevara had three more hat tricks for the Metrostars than goals for Chivas USA.

Clint Mathis only had one hat trick against Dallas in his career. Seemed like he had more. (To be fair, it was for five freaking goals.)

It’s 2005, it’s Pizza Hut Park, and the Galaxy have become the least-loved and least-deserving MLS champions yet. Cobi is doing his victory lap to the Galaxy fans, and sees, in the next section, San Jose and DC United fans. Said Earthquake and United fans say something, I don’t know what but I assume we can all imagine. Cobi spends like an HOUR waving at them, pointing to his ring finger, and basically rubbing it in at Gloat Factor Ten.

So not EVERYONE in soccer will feel like they’re saying goodbye to a national hero and a beloved icon.

Enough will, though. I was convinced last year that, had he called it quits, he would have either retired a year too soon or a year too late. Last year would have been a horrible way to end his career – now, he has another chance to go out on top. Or at least closer to to the top. At least not on the freaking bottom. Unless the Galaxy choke again.

Some people think he’s going to announce his retirement after this season. Which is complete nonsense. Cobi is immortal. Why would an immortal person need to worry about retirement? Doesn’t make sense. No, clearly Cobi is going to announce that this year, AEG is going to allow tailgating at the Home Depot Center. Thanks, Cobi!